About a week and a half ago, I ventured the 100 miles to go to Balboa hospital to meet with my nurse to have my first fill done. About and hour later, I left with an appointment to meet with my surgeon and had orders for x-rays because they could not access my port with the needle. Not only did my nurse try about 20 times, but so did another surgeon...about another 10. After waiting a few days I finally had the x-rays done and could see for myself that the port was a little twisted but not to what extent. And then finally three days later I was under another x-ray with my surgeon as he was attempting to do the fill...again without success. Thank goodness for local anesthetic because I was poked even more the second time around.
As I left, my surgeon told me that he would talk to the other doctors and try to find something else we could to but we might have to go back into surgery because it looked as though the port was bad. We were stickin' it right, just not getting any flow of the saline through the needle or the port. In plain English...my port is defective.
It goes without saying that my surgeon called me back to schedule my next surgery for May 2nd.
Now I try to see things in black and white. I've already made the initial investment of the first surgery (actually I made that investment twice) so this is just necessary to move forward with this whole process...but the other part of me is thinking "why the hell do I always have to be the 1 in a million to get a defective port?!?!?" Actually what I was really thinking contains language I don't care to admit to.
And low and behold the old demons came back. What is it that I do when I become stressed and overwhelmed? I shook hands with the devil and ate a piece of cake that was far more comforting than my doctor could be. Which lead to my eating a little more of what I shouldn't be...which led to the Krispy Kreme incident of 2011. And now at the end of the week, I'm so guilt ridden that I can't stand myself.
It's hard to make the correlation at the exact moment that you're eating something that taste so good that it will make me question myself later on...because at that moment I'm not really thinking...I'm avoiding. So what I want to do is remember this feeling so that next time I can make a better choice. Most who know me know that I am very strong willed and in control of everything that I can control. However the things that I can't are usually the things that bring me down the most...like deployments, relationships, anything that has to do with God's will for me (I only think I'm in control!)...like having to go under anesthesia for a third time in two months (which scares the hell out of). Those feelings...the ones that I hide, the ones that I deny are the ones that are undermining me.
So remember this feeling dumb ass so the next time a piece of sugar is waving it's finger in your face, you can wave a finger back at it and make the right choice.
Tomorrow is a fresh start. Another chance to make this lifestyle stick. So once again, I surrender it all to the big Man upstairs and pray He will protect me and bring me safely home to my family.
Until next time,
WW
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
A New Chapter...
It's been a while since my last post. Not much has happened in terms of events, however I am still getting used to the changes I've made and trying to remember to take all my vitamins. My stomach has definitely healed from the surgery because I can tell that I really need a fill in my band because I'm starting to feel hungrier now and finding that I'm eating a little more than I should be!
Other than that, I am becoming more active on a regular basis and I feel so much better already. I have lost two dress sizes so far and I am finding some relief for my bones! My hip is hurting less and my back is feeling pretty good too. I am normally a stomach sleeper (which killed me during pregnancy...and now of course) because I'm not able to sleep on my stomach, however sleeping on my side with a pillow between my legs has become fairly comfortable and probably better for me anyway!
So Tuesday is the day I go in for my first fill. I'm excited because I want to make sure I stay on track with my eating but I'm also a little nervous that it's going to hurt! Nothing I can't bear I imagine but my pain tolerance is disgustingly low and I will be at this appointment by myself. But overall, I am looking forward to it.
So far I've lost about 25 pounds since the day of my surgery. I have about 25 more to go to reach my surgical goal (which is what they said I would probably lose) and about 20 that I will have to fight to get off (and keep off). This would put me at the lowest weight I was at as an adult. It's a worthy goal, but not the ultimate goal. I just want to make sure that I am healthy along the way while doing it...and if I end up somewhere in between their goal and my goal I will be perfectly happy. I am happy so far just being able to get down on the floor with my kids and not kill myself trying to get up!
Aside form all this stuff, we are starting a new chapter in our family life with my return to work. I start my job tomorrow and am excited to do so. I've talked with Joe and he seems pretty excited to have after school play dates everyday. Sarah on the other hand is just so excited to be going to "school" and very much so likes her "teacher". I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to get paid to do what I love...especially in this market. I just need to set the alarms on my cell phone to remind me to take my vitamins! Thus, this new adjustment will be my new challenge. We shall see!
Until next time,
WW
Other than that, I am becoming more active on a regular basis and I feel so much better already. I have lost two dress sizes so far and I am finding some relief for my bones! My hip is hurting less and my back is feeling pretty good too. I am normally a stomach sleeper (which killed me during pregnancy...and now of course) because I'm not able to sleep on my stomach, however sleeping on my side with a pillow between my legs has become fairly comfortable and probably better for me anyway!
So Tuesday is the day I go in for my first fill. I'm excited because I want to make sure I stay on track with my eating but I'm also a little nervous that it's going to hurt! Nothing I can't bear I imagine but my pain tolerance is disgustingly low and I will be at this appointment by myself. But overall, I am looking forward to it.
So far I've lost about 25 pounds since the day of my surgery. I have about 25 more to go to reach my surgical goal (which is what they said I would probably lose) and about 20 that I will have to fight to get off (and keep off). This would put me at the lowest weight I was at as an adult. It's a worthy goal, but not the ultimate goal. I just want to make sure that I am healthy along the way while doing it...and if I end up somewhere in between their goal and my goal I will be perfectly happy. I am happy so far just being able to get down on the floor with my kids and not kill myself trying to get up!
Aside form all this stuff, we are starting a new chapter in our family life with my return to work. I start my job tomorrow and am excited to do so. I've talked with Joe and he seems pretty excited to have after school play dates everyday. Sarah on the other hand is just so excited to be going to "school" and very much so likes her "teacher". I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to get paid to do what I love...especially in this market. I just need to set the alarms on my cell phone to remind me to take my vitamins! Thus, this new adjustment will be my new challenge. We shall see!
Until next time,
WW
Monday, March 7, 2011
Twice Thankful
Last week was quite an amazing week. I woke up on Wednesday, ready to go to surgery. Walking into the hospital hand in hand with hubby, I was more excited than I was scared. My husband is my rock and just having him there brought me great comfort and confidence. As we sat in the waiting room for a couple of hours, we goofed around like two teenagers sneaking out of the house to have a secret meeting. While the room was full of patients and families, it was like it was just the two of us. Shortly after getting called back to have my vitals done I changed over into the fashionable hospital attire of drawstring pants, open backed gown, a robe and hospital booties. An outfit of which prompted hubby to giggled when I walked back into the waiting room.
When we finally got the go ahead to move into anesthesia, we were met with many nurses, pa's and docs all asking the same questions. Making sure I was the right person getting the right procedure. It was at this point I started to secretly freak out. What was I afraid of? I'm wasn't afraid of something going wrong. I mean not really going wrong...most anything that could happen could be repaired (well except for death). I wasn't worried about my doctor's ability or how we would handle my recovery over the next two weeks. As I laid next to my husband and looked at him...my greatest fear was not waking up to be with him and my children. A long gaze and a tear was all he needed to go into "fix it" mode...and as he does this so well...he calmed my fears and prayed with me.
Next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room and asking the nurse if everything went ok and was reassured that yes the surgery went well. So I waited to be moved to my room and hubby met up with me in there shortly after the doctor had told me that he did not complete the surgery. I was confused and slow to understand what the doctor was saying and started to freak out a bit, but hubby already knew what had happened. The doctor explained that he thought he saw a mass behind my stomach (on my pancreas) and didn't want to finish the surgery until we could see what it was. He ordered a CT scan and rescheduled my surgery for Friday.
At this point I had been without food or water for almost 24 hours, so it's really bad to admit this, but the CT scan drink (with dye in it) was like a drop of water in a desert oasis! I had to drink a gallon of it but I was so thirsty it didn't matter! We completed the CT scan late Wednesday night and Thursday morning the doctor went over our results, which praise God were negative! The shadow he had seen was most likely caused by my pre-op weight loss but he confirmed there was no mass anywhere. We were ready for surgery the following morning, and within a matter of minutes it was moved up till noon that day. As as luck would have it, right after hubby left to grab a bite for breakfast...I was being wheeled out for surgery that morning.
Was I happy I had to go under a second time? Not really but I was glad to know that my surgeon made the decision to stop the first time to be cautious and make sure I didn't have an existing issue before creating what would have possibly been a problem if he continued to do it. However, I'm convinced since they used the same incisions twice that my pain and bruising are a little greater than most, but I also know that my general pain tolerance is pretty low. I'm a big baby and it doesn't matter that I've had two c-sections, I still wince when I have a needle around me.
So for now, I am recovering well and taking it easy. I am so blessed to have hubby home to help me over the next week. The kiddos are loving it too! All in all it has been a crazy week in my new adventure and I am more than happy with this decision.
Until next time,
WW
When we finally got the go ahead to move into anesthesia, we were met with many nurses, pa's and docs all asking the same questions. Making sure I was the right person getting the right procedure. It was at this point I started to secretly freak out. What was I afraid of? I'm wasn't afraid of something going wrong. I mean not really going wrong...most anything that could happen could be repaired (well except for death). I wasn't worried about my doctor's ability or how we would handle my recovery over the next two weeks. As I laid next to my husband and looked at him...my greatest fear was not waking up to be with him and my children. A long gaze and a tear was all he needed to go into "fix it" mode...and as he does this so well...he calmed my fears and prayed with me.
Next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room and asking the nurse if everything went ok and was reassured that yes the surgery went well. So I waited to be moved to my room and hubby met up with me in there shortly after the doctor had told me that he did not complete the surgery. I was confused and slow to understand what the doctor was saying and started to freak out a bit, but hubby already knew what had happened. The doctor explained that he thought he saw a mass behind my stomach (on my pancreas) and didn't want to finish the surgery until we could see what it was. He ordered a CT scan and rescheduled my surgery for Friday.
At this point I had been without food or water for almost 24 hours, so it's really bad to admit this, but the CT scan drink (with dye in it) was like a drop of water in a desert oasis! I had to drink a gallon of it but I was so thirsty it didn't matter! We completed the CT scan late Wednesday night and Thursday morning the doctor went over our results, which praise God were negative! The shadow he had seen was most likely caused by my pre-op weight loss but he confirmed there was no mass anywhere. We were ready for surgery the following morning, and within a matter of minutes it was moved up till noon that day. As as luck would have it, right after hubby left to grab a bite for breakfast...I was being wheeled out for surgery that morning.
Was I happy I had to go under a second time? Not really but I was glad to know that my surgeon made the decision to stop the first time to be cautious and make sure I didn't have an existing issue before creating what would have possibly been a problem if he continued to do it. However, I'm convinced since they used the same incisions twice that my pain and bruising are a little greater than most, but I also know that my general pain tolerance is pretty low. I'm a big baby and it doesn't matter that I've had two c-sections, I still wince when I have a needle around me.
So for now, I am recovering well and taking it easy. I am so blessed to have hubby home to help me over the next week. The kiddos are loving it too! All in all it has been a crazy week in my new adventure and I am more than happy with this decision.
Until next time,
WW
Monday, February 28, 2011
Square Peg, Round Hole
I've never really managed to fit in. As far back as I can remember I've always surrounded myself with a very small group of people only letting a few in to get to know me. Maybe it's because I moved around a lot as a kid and had to start over every time, maybe because as an adult my best friend broke my heart and I never really recovered, maybe it's because I know that we'll have to move again soon. No matter the reason, trying to make that connection with people has always been hard for me. It could also be that investing time in my family has always been priority one.
As I start the 48 hour countdown to my surgery, I've had to deal with a lot of emotions that are tied into it. My main reason for doing this is to be healthy for myself, my husband and children. That has always been my motivation and will always be. But with the prospect of change, brings the prospect of problems. I'm a shoot from the hip kinda girl. I see black and white and usually dismiss the shades of grey that people get caught up in. However, the very special people I surrounded myself with in Yuma taught me to appreciate and admire those who are not like me. I was able to make connections with people that could strengthen me as a person and as a friend.
As I have tried to reach out and make those connections here, I have been accepted by a great group of ladies, rejected by some (and not really knowing why) and slowly given a smile from others over time...which has caused me to reflect...will my or has my appearance played a role in this? I'm not an insecure person. My self worth has never been tied to the scale (or at least not as an adult). So this question comes from a place of wonder. I can only hope (and pray) that I can be myself...and that the changes that are brought about from the surgery only make me a better person from the inside...literally. A healthier me is all I want.
As I tackle the "what ifs" that come with such a big change, it's good to know there are people that are accepting of me as I am and are willing to support and love me no matter what. For this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart...because it has been your friendship that has soften my edges and helped me find a place to fit in.
Until next time,
WW
As I start the 48 hour countdown to my surgery, I've had to deal with a lot of emotions that are tied into it. My main reason for doing this is to be healthy for myself, my husband and children. That has always been my motivation and will always be. But with the prospect of change, brings the prospect of problems. I'm a shoot from the hip kinda girl. I see black and white and usually dismiss the shades of grey that people get caught up in. However, the very special people I surrounded myself with in Yuma taught me to appreciate and admire those who are not like me. I was able to make connections with people that could strengthen me as a person and as a friend.
As I have tried to reach out and make those connections here, I have been accepted by a great group of ladies, rejected by some (and not really knowing why) and slowly given a smile from others over time...which has caused me to reflect...will my or has my appearance played a role in this? I'm not an insecure person. My self worth has never been tied to the scale (or at least not as an adult). So this question comes from a place of wonder. I can only hope (and pray) that I can be myself...and that the changes that are brought about from the surgery only make me a better person from the inside...literally. A healthier me is all I want.
As I tackle the "what ifs" that come with such a big change, it's good to know there are people that are accepting of me as I am and are willing to support and love me no matter what. For this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart...because it has been your friendship that has soften my edges and helped me find a place to fit in.
Until next time,
WW
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Be Careful What You Pray For...
Since my last post I had my final appointment with my Dietician. At this appointment, I would find out whether or not I lost all my required weight, passed all the health tests and was ready to move forward with my surgery.
The days before were somewhat stressful because if I didn't make weight at this appointment I would have to wait until March to meet with the Dietician again (because she's so popular and booked up between now and then) which would push my surgery off until April or May. So I ate the best I've eaten in all my life, while working out and doing everything I could to lose the last four dreaded pounds. Even the night before I almost killed myself on the stationary bike refusing to get off until I hit 600 calories! I fasted and didn't drink a single drop of liquid in the morning (to include my beloved coffee of which has become a naughty, unapproved love affair) so that I would hit that magical number!
And after finally residing to the fact that I would have to wait until the spring for my surgery (while restlessly waiting in the waiting room), little fairies carried me as I weighed in...just perfectly. So I met with my Dietician, satisfied all the requirements, spoke with the RN and got a phone call yesterday with a surgery date of March 2nd.
Oh crap...this is actually happening. So, while I'm filled with excitement...I am a bit overwhelmed because this is real. And I need to get on the ball and finish getting ready for my post-surgical recovery/routine.
Hmmm...now to ponder...a final farewell dinner at Donovan's to my old life? Not really sure if that the way to go because if I gain any weight, my surgery will be cancelled. Ahhh...be careful what you pray for because you just might get it, but it's up to me to keep it!
We shall see what the future brings.
Until next time,
WW
The days before were somewhat stressful because if I didn't make weight at this appointment I would have to wait until March to meet with the Dietician again (because she's so popular and booked up between now and then) which would push my surgery off until April or May. So I ate the best I've eaten in all my life, while working out and doing everything I could to lose the last four dreaded pounds. Even the night before I almost killed myself on the stationary bike refusing to get off until I hit 600 calories! I fasted and didn't drink a single drop of liquid in the morning (to include my beloved coffee of which has become a naughty, unapproved love affair) so that I would hit that magical number!
And after finally residing to the fact that I would have to wait until the spring for my surgery (while restlessly waiting in the waiting room), little fairies carried me as I weighed in...just perfectly. So I met with my Dietician, satisfied all the requirements, spoke with the RN and got a phone call yesterday with a surgery date of March 2nd.
Oh crap...this is actually happening. So, while I'm filled with excitement...I am a bit overwhelmed because this is real. And I need to get on the ball and finish getting ready for my post-surgical recovery/routine.
Hmmm...now to ponder...a final farewell dinner at Donovan's to my old life? Not really sure if that the way to go because if I gain any weight, my surgery will be cancelled. Ahhh...be careful what you pray for because you just might get it, but it's up to me to keep it!
We shall see what the future brings.
Until next time,
WW
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My decision...
Over the past few months I have been meeting with doctors and nutritionists, lab technicians and specialists to help me decide what my best options are on how to tackle losing weight. In the past I have done everything from the cabbage soup diet, Atkins diet, Jenny Craig, Nutri-System, Weight Watchers and good old fashion working out. I lose weight and I gain it back. I've quit smoking and started again and quit again (woo hoo!)...no help for the gut or the bum when you do this...I've had two kids who are the loves of my life but were no help in the hips getting smaller. I have hypo-glycemia, hypo-thyroidism and the slowest metabolism in the world. All this combined with the sweet tooth that is actually engrained in my DNA and it's a recipe for being over weight. I have always been overweight so this has been an on-going battle for me since high school.
The thing is, I always thought that I was just being lazy, because yes I hate to work out. I've never had that endorphin experience that just makes me want to get out there and do it over again. If working out was anything like sex, then maybe I would do it more...but alas it is not. However, I have learned that it's not just about me being lazy. I have discovered in the past year that I physically cannot do this on my own. I have a cracked knee-cap, lower back issues and a hip that just won't stay where it's supposed to...so when I work out, eat right, lose weight and injure myself...it's begins a cycle that I have dealt with before. It's time for me to break this cycle and do what I need to for me to be successful.
While currently I do not have any heart issues, diabetic issues or other major health problems...my family history predisposes me to many conditions that can be avoided with weight loss. This combined with the desire to hold my grandchildren and see my children in their eyes has motivated me to do what I have to do...and to make whatever sacrifices I need to to be a better example for them. So good bye convenience foods, farewell processed products...and hello food pyramid with loads of healthy crap. I pledge half of this process to healthy eating.
The other half...well that was the hardest decision. Since December 16th, I have been attending education classes on bariatric surgery, getting x-rays, ultra sounds and consultations, praying, having discussions with hubby, praying some more and praying with hubby to have some clarity on how I should proceed. I am a prayer warrior and have surrendered everything to God...and with grace and strength I can say I have decided to have surgery to help me conquer this battle.
It's not an easy way out. The road ahead of me is going to be more difficult than anything I have ever had to physically do for myself. It is a tool for me to accomplish the goals that I have set for myself and my family. The by-product already...my family is eating healthier.
Here's to a healthier life...
...now to go workout so I can make weight on January 31st. Only four more pounds to go!
Until next time,
Wonder Woman
The thing is, I always thought that I was just being lazy, because yes I hate to work out. I've never had that endorphin experience that just makes me want to get out there and do it over again. If working out was anything like sex, then maybe I would do it more...but alas it is not. However, I have learned that it's not just about me being lazy. I have discovered in the past year that I physically cannot do this on my own. I have a cracked knee-cap, lower back issues and a hip that just won't stay where it's supposed to...so when I work out, eat right, lose weight and injure myself...it's begins a cycle that I have dealt with before. It's time for me to break this cycle and do what I need to for me to be successful.
While currently I do not have any heart issues, diabetic issues or other major health problems...my family history predisposes me to many conditions that can be avoided with weight loss. This combined with the desire to hold my grandchildren and see my children in their eyes has motivated me to do what I have to do...and to make whatever sacrifices I need to to be a better example for them. So good bye convenience foods, farewell processed products...and hello food pyramid with loads of healthy crap. I pledge half of this process to healthy eating.
The other half...well that was the hardest decision. Since December 16th, I have been attending education classes on bariatric surgery, getting x-rays, ultra sounds and consultations, praying, having discussions with hubby, praying some more and praying with hubby to have some clarity on how I should proceed. I am a prayer warrior and have surrendered everything to God...and with grace and strength I can say I have decided to have surgery to help me conquer this battle.
It's not an easy way out. The road ahead of me is going to be more difficult than anything I have ever had to physically do for myself. It is a tool for me to accomplish the goals that I have set for myself and my family. The by-product already...my family is eating healthier.
Here's to a healthier life...
...now to go workout so I can make weight on January 31st. Only four more pounds to go!
Until next time,
Wonder Woman
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A long time coming...
This blog has been a work in progress for a few months now. I had intended to document my journey starting in October but sometimes life just happens.
I would like to thank those of you who are here reading this and following my journey. Please know that I have no expectation that you are counting the moments between each post to hear the pearls of wisdom that come flying out of mouth, but I truly do appreciate the time you have spent coming to my blog and reading it.
I want to preface this journey by saying the following: Those who know me also know that I have a dry sense of humor, can be sarcastic at times and often turn to humor to deal with most everything. I am facing one of the most difficult tasks that I have ever faced in my life and am sharing this blog as a way deal with it. This is a therapeutic outlet for me as I face things that I have put off for 36 years. This is a journey for me...and often there is much failure before success. I can only hope that I deal with those failures (and successes) in a Godly, humorous way so that I can accomplish the goals I have set for myself.
And try to be entertaining in the process...at least for myself. There's nothing worse than being the only one laughing at your jokes...so praise God that I will at least have my husband around to back me up and laugh at me!
Much love and thank you stopping by.
Until next time,
Wonder Woman
I would like to thank those of you who are here reading this and following my journey. Please know that I have no expectation that you are counting the moments between each post to hear the pearls of wisdom that come flying out of mouth, but I truly do appreciate the time you have spent coming to my blog and reading it.
I want to preface this journey by saying the following: Those who know me also know that I have a dry sense of humor, can be sarcastic at times and often turn to humor to deal with most everything. I am facing one of the most difficult tasks that I have ever faced in my life and am sharing this blog as a way deal with it. This is a therapeutic outlet for me as I face things that I have put off for 36 years. This is a journey for me...and often there is much failure before success. I can only hope that I deal with those failures (and successes) in a Godly, humorous way so that I can accomplish the goals I have set for myself.
And try to be entertaining in the process...at least for myself. There's nothing worse than being the only one laughing at your jokes...so praise God that I will at least have my husband around to back me up and laugh at me!
Much love and thank you stopping by.
Until next time,
Wonder Woman
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